Getting married

I've decided that I'm going to marry my PhD. In other words, I'm off the market for anything much. After another three years, this marriage will run its course and we will both apply for divorce, dissolution of the marriage, or whatever it happens to be called. And we will go our merry ways. I'm not sure who will get what at the end of those years. It won't be an even split. Being ever ambitious, I'm hoping I'll get the better end of the deal.

At the moment, I'm doing most of the work in the relationship, but that's fine. It's rare that things will be equally split.

It's hard to be motivated when it's so cold. I think I've finally acclimatised to winter, but I can't say I'm loving it. My brain seems to shut down when it's cold, so it doesn't bode well for my chemistry. I'm looking towards the warmer days and weeks. And months.

Doing more

It seems as if the older I get, the more I realise that I have to do stuff with my life, otherwise it will pass me by. I'm less content with little things; quality is what counts.

I've been playing the piano for nearly 20 years now and I can honestly say that it is something that I love to do. Other things like flute and trumpet have been fun, but they just don't do it for me. There is something special about being able to play more than one note at a time, more than one line at a time. Anything less is not much fun.

So I've decided to learn the organ. Pipe organ. Not mouth organ. I have a good teacher, a practice organ, so I think I'm all ready. I don't know how I'm going to co-ordinate my feet into the mix, so we'll have to see.

The noise

Sometimes, the world is a very noisy place. These past few days, the world has been noisy enough that I want to go away and find some peace and quiet. Not just outside, but inside as well.

Too many people talking, saying unnecessary things, redundant phrases, things like that. Makes my ears hurt and my head hurt. I don't understand why people often find the need to just talk and say things. Is it not easier and more energy-efficient to only speak when necessary? It would cut down on the noise pollution of the world.

I just want the world to be quiet for a bit.

We have a seedling

The past eight weeks or so have been amazing. As much as I hate the word "soulmate" there doesn't seem to be anything else that describes...this. I'm being cautious, but at the same time, throwing caution to the wind because sometimes, it's just meant to be. Or at the very least, it feels as if "this" is drawing us in. 

There is the music (all the Beethoven and none of the Mozart), the hi-fi (me to listen, him to fix), the food, the chocolate (quality counts) and the inherent knowledge that we're heading in the same direction with no timeline. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but this seems to be it. 

The seeds have been sown.

And so it is

Just letting it all go now. I haven't been this carefree in a while. There is a little reluctance, but it's for the best. I can't do any more than I have and I can't wait any longer. I've decided I don't like being ignored and I don't like being priority number 10. I don't feel guilty and I don't feel remorseful.

And so it is.

Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day again tomorrow. On a Saturday for once. I don't mind Valentine's Day. Neither like nor dislike it. I've spent quite a few alone, quite a few attached, some attached yet alone, so I think I've had my fair share of situations.

I'm not going to do anything this year. I'm happily unattached, happily single, yet not available, which is a strange predicament. For a long time, I thought it was more of a dichotomy. You were either single and available, or not single and not available.

Point is, I have people that love me, in different ways. Some more than others. And if anything, Valentine's Day came early for me, a few weeks ago. I fail to see the need to buy into (literally) the commercial part of Valentine's Day, but on a day like this, maybe it isn't the point. I'm not afraid to admit that I love being given flowers, if only just for the gesture that it brings. Expense can be spared. But to be told that flowers are for me, just because "I thought you should have them", is enough to make me smile like a girl.

It is a happy place, loving and being loved.

A tribute

To the person in my life, who worries about me more than I could ask for.

This has been a very trying week, in and out of my doctor's office. Getting scans done and waiting anxiously for the results (note to self: angiograms are horrible) was quite stressful. The reason for all of this was because I "couldn't breathe". Not properly, anyway. So prior to all of this, I was in and out of the doctor's office. Thank you for convincing me that things like "stress" and "anxiety" can happen to someone like me, and that it is actually normal.

Thank you for reassuring me and making sure that I've been OK every step of the way, for being so positive and there. I'm sorry I cast a cloud over your birthday this year; I don't think any amount of chocolate can make up for that.

You know by now that in sleep, I am capable of sending messages, but the coherence of said messages cannot be guaranteed. You deserve more than that and I'm sorry I didn't manage to talk you through a tough moment.

And so this brings me to this afternoon. I've spent the past two days in bed, more or less, so things haven't been fantastic. Thank you for giving me your afternoon, for taking me out, for talking some sense into me. For the rose, the chocolate, the tea and the time. The Whitlams said it perfectly with "Keep the light on".







And in earlier times:

My dear people

I've had the equivalent of nearly two weeks back at work, split up by Christmas and New Year. I can't say I love it. What I can confirm, is that it is the people there that make it worthwhile and that without them, it would be much more painful. From the people I work with, to the people that I work for.

And that is what life is about, really. The people.

I think I can safely say that I am lucky, because everywhere I've been, I have managed to find good people. Some better than others, some I'm more compatible with, but there have always been people.

Playing catchups

Again, the beginning of another year. I'm not going to make resolutions, because I always make them. I'll probably just reiterate them. They are always ongoing, so it isn't as if the 1st of January is any more special a day.

It just means that I have to write "09" instead of "08" when I date things.

I've had a good run, of late. Holidays in Hong Kong and Shanghai (my first trip up to the mainland). Conference in Tasmania. Christmas here at home. And now back to work. Being able to go out with friends for coffee has been good. I owe so many coffees; I can now afford them, the economic crisis hasn't hit this far down the food chain. I owe so many conversation; I can afford them now, the brainspace is vacant and my schedule has amoeba-like-shifting gaps.

I'm back to loving my piano. I've been pushing myself, of late. No tears yet, but that will come.

I've caught up with a longtime friend, from Germany. We managed to date and get over each other, so we're brutally open and close. Best way to be. He's here with his German girlfriend, so I haven't had time to catch up with him alone. He is a fellow PhD student, only he has done well and moved overseas to do his stuff. Good decision for him, because Australia is a bit of a desert in terms of what he does.

And yes, another resolution is that I will write in here more often.

PhD?

Reading. Writing. Playing. Sleeping.

The life of a post-graduate student?